so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
