she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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