During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
