I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
