Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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