We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
