I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
