Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
