i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
