the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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