he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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