I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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