I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
whose parrot is this?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
