Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
