If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
