i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Boobs are out for the taking
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
