She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Randomize
