Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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