For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
