Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
