he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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