If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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