So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
