Barsexuality is the new black.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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