So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
