My hand turned me down
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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