Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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