My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
how does that bad decision feel?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
