woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
