i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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