so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
