i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
