I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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