what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
