I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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