just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
