dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My hand turned me down
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
