Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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