He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
