I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
