At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
