Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
