you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
