Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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