you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
