I accidentally burped into my bong.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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