That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
