I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
