im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
A+ Viking dick
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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