Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
