I cannot find my penis.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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