I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
